Chapter 3592 Brotherly Talk Joshua spent the next morning feeling depressed and lost. If anyone saw him, they would think he was shaming the profession of expert pilots. Almost everyone at their level were decisive soldiers and warriors who showed no doubt or hesitation about anything! Sure, a difficult conundrum might take them aback for a moment, but they usually applied their values and principles without any conflicting emotions and stayed true to their hearts! Yet Joshua found it difficult to pursue his own principles at the moment. Power wasn't always good. The greater his resonance strength, the greater his sensitivity towards life. It became easier for him to detect, understand and empathize with other life forms besides humans. As a pilot, this gave him a crucial advantage in understanding living mechs, which truly registered as alive and intelligent to his sensitive will. The so-called spirits that the patriarch had rarely spoken about but clearly made use of also became more tangible to Joshua. If he wanted, he could make contact and communicate with any spirit by touching the mechs they were associated with. He had established a good familiarity with Ylvaine, the Superior Mother and Goldie because of piloting their respective mechs. Yet his sensitivity extended far beyond that. He understood all of the cats, dogs, birds and pets that the clansmen had adopted as of late. He also comprehended the simple feelings and emotions of most of the exobeasts and designer beasts that the Larkinson Biotech Institute had stuffed in the Dragon's Den. All of these experiences slowly made him realize that living creatures were all similar despite their many differences. Emotions and desires were universal to all of them. It did not matter whether they were simple-minded insects or complex sentient aliens that were just as rational as humans. Each of them possessed an intrinsic quality that made them valuable and precious. Just thinking about snuffing them all out made him feel increasingly ill at ease. "Why am I thinking like this?" He wondered as he sat up in his bed. "I'm a soldier. Killing is part of the job." It was simple on the battlefield. The opponents that shot at him and his fellow comrades all had to be neutralized. This was why he showed no remorse for the pirates, Fridaymen and Vulcanites he slaughtered. Even the incredibly effective butchery he facilitated by leading the Penitent Sister battle formations did not bother him that much. The Superior Mother was responsible for most of it anyway and the enemies were truly out to destroy the Larkinsons. Yet what about cases beyond that? Could he tolerate the killing of alien life forms that bore no guilt against the Larkinson Clan and just wanted to live in peace? The more he understood how precious they were, the less he felt okay about what humanity was doing in the Red Ocean. "What am I doing?" He wondered as he let out a deep breath. "Expert pilots are supposed to grow stronger over time, but I seem to be getting weaker." He already felt that his mental struggle was affecting his willpower. This in turn affected how much he could resonate with his mech. It didn't matter if the Everchanger was a strong and powerful mech if he no longer possessed the strength to harness it. A strong tool always required a firm hand in order to harness it properly! Joshua slowly extended his arm and looked at his hand. Although it looked firm and stable, he was afraid that the mind that was controlling it had become a lot shakier than before. "I need to do something about this! I can't let this dilemma haunt me for too long. I need a way to get back to Ketis." He exited his bed and quickly freshened up for the day. After putting on a thick, warm coat, he stepped out of the hotel and used his comm to find one of his fellow expert pilots to seek for advice. While Joshua thought about trying to resolve his dilemma alone, he didn't think he could find an answer quick enough. With his relationship with Ketis becoming shaky all of a sudden, he wanted to resolve his problem as quickly as possible before it was too late! "I can't let Ketis go. I can't squander this chance to be with such a wonderful woman." His relationship with Jannzi may have crashed and burned, but Joshua didn't regret what had happened. The two had become different people and they disagreed with each other too much to make it viable for them to stay together. It was different for Ketis! Until recently, whenever they got together, they genuinely enjoyed each other's company. They clicked with each other and they didn't hold any political opinions that pitted their principles against each other. They were both strong and successful in their own careers but didn't need to hold their heads high when they were in each other's presence. As an expert pilot, Joshua fully realized that it was difficult for him to maintain an equal relationship with someone weaker and frailer. His extraordinary willpower might be gentle compared to other expert pilots but he definitely had to be careful about imposing too much of himself on others. He held no such concerns towards Ketis. Her will was just as powerful if not more so she could easily hold her ground in his presence. She was also cute and pretty in an athletic way. All in all, Joshua fully realized how lucky he was to be with her. Now that he was on the verge of losing her due to his own issues, he became desperate to rectify them as soon as possible! This was why he thought about knocking on Tusa's door. When he reached some kind of spa and natural hot spring resort, Joshua had little choice but to strip off his clothes, wear a towel and enter a hot and steamy sauna. "Joshua!" Tusa looked up as his smooth and bronzed body glistened with moisture. "What a surprise to see you here. Are you looking to loosen up and unwind as well?" The new arrival shook his head as he sat down a short distance away from the light mech specialist. "No. I'm in trouble and I think I need help." "Oh." Tusa dropped some of the levity in his tone when he recognized that Joshua was being serious. "Tell me all about it, then. My ear is always open." Venerable Joshua briefly and succinctly explained his recent troubles and how it impacted his relationship to Ketis. Though he felt increasingly more uncomfortable about revealing his shameful and controversial views, Tusa did not display any ridicule. "Hm, I can see why you're so tense. A massage can't do anything about that. Before we go any further… are you really sure you want to remain with Ketis?" "What do you mean, Tusa? Of course I want to keep her! I enjoy spending time with her! I still love her as much as before! Why would I want to break up with her? It doesn't make any sense!" Tusa chuckled under his breath. "It sounds to me that your girl hasn't been very helpful towards you. Instead, she forced the issue by presenting you with a deliberately crafted dilemma that forced you to make an impossible choice. Men like us can't be separated from our expert mechs and I'm sure she knows that. Yet she forced you to make a choice between her and the Everchanger anyway. How would she feel if you told her that she had to choose between keeping you or her Bloodsinger? She would feel just as conflicted as you, assuming that she actually gives a damn about your relationship." "She's still sincere. I don't doubt that." Joshua insisted. "It doesn't sound that way to me. If you ask me, she's testing you because she abhors weakness. That's not to say that I think you're a bad expert pilot. When you get into the cockpit and follow General Verle's commands, you never fail people's expectations in your strength. The problem is that you've become so accustomed to the role of a follower that you don't know how to take charge. In every situation where you are free to think or make your own choices, you turn back into the boy you used to be. Man, if I was in Ketis' shoes, I would feel disgusted at you as well!" "Tusa! I came here because I thought you could help me. I did not seek you out so that you could hit me when I'm down!" Tusa snorted at him. "I am helping you! The first step to solving a problem is to recognize it. Did I say anything wrong? Did I misjudge when I described you as a follower rather than someone who knows how to be in charge of his own life?" The other expert pilot looked glum. Although Joshua wanted to repair his esteem by telling Tusa that he was able to stand up on his own, it wouldn't be true. In his heart, he agreed with what his fellow expert pilot had said. "I think you may have a point." Joshua admitted. "For most of my life, I followed the arrangements and instructions of people who rank on top of me. My instructors at the mech academy, the clan patriarch, General Verle and even Ketis have made decisions on my behalf. I never really thought about it because I had no objections to their orders. Am I bad for not opposing some of their decisions?" Venerable Tusa tutted at Joshua. "There's a difference between opposing someone and standing up for yourself. You oppose someone when you disagree with their decisions or simply dislike him. In general, the people in charge of our clan are pretty smart and competent. Except Ves. His judgment can be very off sometimes. That is why you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. If you know who you are and what you want in your life, you won't struggle as much when you are faced with those awful dilemmas." This was good advice. The pilot of the Dark Zephyr made a lot sense to Joshua. Yet just hearing it was not enough. "How can I stand up for myself when I don't have enough practice in doing so?" He asked. "First off, you need to stick to your guns even if you think the entire galaxy will turn against you. Whether you think your answer is right or wrong, as long as you stick to it, you will never be a spineless coward. That is the opposite of what an expert pilot should be. Ketis was truly right when she accused you of having it too easy." "I can't do that, Tusa. You heard what I said about my stance. I sympathize too much with the aliens in the Red Ocean. If I act like Jannzi and try to impose my views on the clan, every Larkinson will soon turn against me. Even the MTA might not take kindly to my opinion! Everyone in the new frontier wants to wipe out all of the advanced alien races so that humanity can claim their territories. If I stand up and say that they should abandon all of their investment and head back to the Milky Way, they'll probably crucify me no matter my status!" Tusa finally began to frown. Even he couldn't figure out an easy way to resolve this matter. "I can't help you much with that, mate. I have my own answer to the problem that is plaguing you, but that is personal to me. I don't think it's a good idea for me to tell you my thought process. I've already helped you as much as I can, Joshua. I told you what your problem is and gave you a direction where you need to go in order to get better. Remember that you're a demigod now. You don't need to accept whatever people throw at you anymore. Make people respect you. Show Ketis you're a man. If she can't handle that, then you should look for another girl. There's plenty of fish in the sea."