Chapter 3694 Source of Strength An exhausted Joshua embraced his wife as she returned to their grand stateroom. "I was worried about you." He said as he kissed her cheek. "Anything could have happened on that alien ship. What if those crazy pakklatons blew up their power reactors and propellants all at once? Swordmaster or not, there is no way you can survive an attack that can engulf an entire vessel!" Ketis huffed. "Don't underestimate me. My intuition is just as sharp as yours. Before heading off to battle, I made sure to study the scans and blueprint of the evacuation ship closely. The pakklaton civilian-grade power reactors aren't that volatile. Just like human power reactors, they are built with many safeguards. A single engineer can't just blow them up by introducing a few faults. You need to deactivate a lot of safeties and deliberately create cascading faults. It takes a lot of time and effort to perform this kind of work." Her words did not reassure Joshua that much. "What if you're wrong, honey?" "Hey, I never complain when you are racing off to battle. Have you ever imagined what I am feeling whenever I see you fight a tough opponent?" The expert pilot caressed her powerful arm. "I do. I do think about what you must be going through. I am much more confident about my ability to get back home, though. Unlike you, my mech is my armor. Not only that, it is also an expert mech, which can amplify all of my strengths. As long as I am piloting the Everchanger, I am confident that I can resist a warship strike. The same doesn't apply to you. Your combat armor is tough but it can still be broken with enough brute force." Ketis sighed and withdrew from her embrace. "The same applies to you if you face a battleship one day. Not even first-class ace mechs can survive a direct impact from such an immensely destructive vessel, you know. We all have our weaknesses. That shouldn't prevent us from turning away from our vocations. You are an expert pilot and I am a swordmaster. Both of our strengths are far above the norm. Our responsibilities to the Larkinson Clan are also heavier as a consequence." They had talked about this topic a lot of times so they did not linger over it for too long. Both of them were strong-willed individuals so it wasn't easy for either of them to budge from their stances. "You're different now." Joshua said as both of them headed to the bedroom in order to get ready for bed. Both of them needed the rest after exerting themselves so much. "Your will… it's different." Though Ketis normally restrained her force of will by storing Sharpie in her Bloodsinger, her mood and demeanor were still different from usual. Normally, she was overflowing with confidence and faced the future with an optimistic mindset. It was as if she thought that she could easily smash aside any obstacle that barred her way into becoming the ultimate swordsman mech designer! Compared to her previous self, the Ketis that returned from the evacuation ship was like a soldier who returned home from a battle that did not end in a clear victory. As the pair changed into their pajamas and slipped into their luxurious queen-sized bed, Joshua turned towards his wedded partner. "I can guess what you must be going through right now. Would you like to talk about it?" He softly asked. "Hm. You must be laughing at me right now." Ketis turbulently said as she closed her eyes. "Before, I ridiculed you for having a soft heart, but now I find myself in the same circumstance." Her husband slid closer and carefully embraced her firm waist. "I would never do such a thing. I care about you, Ketis. It's exactly because I have gone through this phase myself that I am aware how badly you are affected." Ketis sighed again. Her husband was too good at reading her mood. "You're right. I am entertaining similar doubts as yours." She briefly explained her moral dilemma and how she was wavering between wielding a merciful sword or a merciless sword. "I can understand your desire to be merciful, but why would you want to go for the other option?" Joshua asked in confusion. "Don't take the meaning of the words too literally. They're just a way for me to contextualize my choices. To answer your question, the merciless sword is what best describes my old self. Ten years ago, I was a typical Swordmaiden, you know. We killed people whether they were innocent or not and did stuff that I am not proud of if I look back on those days. Joining the Larkinson Clan has changed that. Although I often feel that all of this emphasis on honor and rules is constricting, I can't help but embrace these new ideals. My life is much better than before. I don't want to go back to watching my back all the time." Joshua leaned in and pressed his face in her hair. "Isn't your choice simple, then? It sounds to me like you enjoy being a Larkinson. I would love it if you embrace our clan's ideals even more. I think you would be a lot more pleasant to be around if you don't think about killing all the time." "You're not thinking deep enough." Ketis frowned. "I wouldn't be in a dilemma if there was an obvious choice. To me, a merciless sword might not sound as noble as the other one, but it is one that has always kept me alive whenever I need it the most. What about honor? What about principles? Just look at Ves. He can be a bastard at times, but I don't deny his ability to survive in situations where he should be dead. This is one of the reasons he keeps getting away with risks that keep putting him in danger to begin with. He cheats whenever possible." Venerable Joshua scrunched his face. "So let me get this straight. You are undecided whether you want to become more like Jannzi or more like Ves, right?" "I wouldn't exactly put it that way, you dummy. Those are extreme examples and I am trying to be neither of them. I am merely thinking whether I should fight with or without scruples." "I see. I faced a similar choice as yours. Even now, I am still a bit ambivalent towards killing aliens. They're not human, but they are still alive. I prefer not to kill them all. I'm glad you insisted on taking the pakklatons prisoner. I can breathe a bit easier knowing that we haven't tarnished our honor." Ketis softly chuckled. "There are those who do not see humanity's actions in the Red Ocean as dishonorable. Aliens are the enemy, you see. If they aren't threats today, they will be in the future. The only way for us to ensure they will never rise up and overthrow our civilization is to crush them while we still have the upper hand. Have you truly reconciled yourself with the status quo?" The expert pilot's force of will fluctuated as she asked that question. It was evident that he was still conflicted to an extent. "To be honest, I am not reconciled." He whispered in her ear. "I think we have gone way too far in killing every alien we come across because of perceived threats. However, a single expert pilot like me cannot do anything about this. I'm too small in the face of the MTA and CFA. I can only choose to compromise and accept our current reality. I won't stop other humans from doing what they want to the aliens, but I will not condone their actions either." "That doesn't sound like a strong conviction." "It doesn't have to be. I'm aware it sounds like an excuse to you, but as long as it works, I shouldn't be picky. I am only qualified to pursue change when I have grown. I shouldn't overestimate my capabilities and try to impose my will on everyone while I am just an expert pilot." His stance sounded highly realistic and betrayed a sense of helplessness on his part. There was no way he could possibly impose his will on the entirety of human civilization. He would have to advance to god pilot at the very least in order to have his voice heard! Ketis understood his stance and frowned because of that. She did not wish to judge him, but she felt that he had taken a less optimal solution because his more ideal ones were not practical. As a mech designer, Ketis was not a stranger to this approach. She had to balance out her dreams with lots of compromises and less than desirable solutions due to the constraints of physics, resource availability, production capabilities and budget. While this was a normal condition in mech design, she instinctively resisted the need to make the same sort of compromises when it came to her will and conviction. She thought back on what she knew about transcendent warriors. According to Ves, the basis of a swordmaster and an expert pilot was to use their unnaturally high willpower to distort the rules that governed reality. In other words, it did not matter whether something was physically impossible. As long as she believed in something hard enough, she could grow to a point where reality bent to her will instead of the other way around! Of course, she was different from others. She was a mech designer who studied the rules of reality. When she advanced to Journeyman, she could begin to infiltrate and subvert the physical laws, but only on a smaller scale. The outcome was similar, but the methods were radically different. A mech designer respected the laws of reality. An expert pilot smashed them apart if they got in the way. It was this duality that gave Ketis a much more profound insight into the two approaches. She knew that if she was by herself, she could not possibly develop a will that was strong enough to bend reality by force. She was only able to become a swordmaster due to the existence of Sharpie. Her living sword intent was a bug-like existence that was both a part of herself but also possessed an ego of its own. Ketis stiffened a bit. She fell into a mental trap. While her current problems appeared to be related to her own conflicting morality, she recalled that her swordmaster powers actually came from Sharpie. Any problems related to her swordmaster progression had to involve Sharpie as well! Ever since Ves brought life to her sword intent, Ketis never paid too much attention to Sharpie's own will and desires. It was an extension of herself after all. She always assumed that Sharpie's desires were actually a reflection of her own desires. What if this assumption wasn't true? What if Sharpie possessed aspirations that weren't necessarily identical to her own? It sounded disturbing, but Ketis didn't think her guess was wrong. That was because she was a mech designer while Sharpie was the true swordmaster. "Do you feel better now?" Joshua asked as he sensed that she had grown calmer. "I do. I have an idea on how to resolve my problem." She replied. "No matter what sword I will end up wielding, I will try my best to stay true to myself. Both my selves." This was the first time she thought about Sharpie as more than just a limited part of herself that had coincidentally been empowered with an ego of its own. What if it could be more than just an assistant in her mind? All kinds of ideas swirled in her mind as she faded into slumber. She needed to delve deeper into all her facets. She needed to know more about herself before she could make a proper choice on the direction of her swordsmanship. She did not want to regret her decision.